Date:	2005-04-26 22:47
Subject:	forever
Security:	Public
Mood:	loved
Music:	saliva

wow i havent even looked at this thing in forever. i have just been so busy w/ work, school, and my internship. outta control. my cell phone is broken. it has a blank screen. i cant get any phone numbers out of it or read/send text messages. everyone should leave me a comment w/ their numbers so i can have some contact with the outside world. cause o yea, my aim doesnt work either, thats why im never on. lol.

every week has turned into the same thing.
mon-- school
tues-- school then work
wed-- school then jim's then school then dinner w/ bryan
thurs-- work
fri-- school then out w/ amanda
sat-- work then jim
sun-- work

i can't wait until this ends... fri is the last day of class. finals next wed and fri and then done til the end of aug. thank god!! i couldnt possibly take anymore. nothings really new i guess. i figured out that i love jim. i'm moving in with him this summer, prob the beginning of august. i spend the nite and have taken over his house. i have a key though so i guess its "our" house, as he always says.

me and amanda and chris have been up to our usual crazy things. our latest undertaking has been cooking. we're doing a damn good job at it too. lol. me and amanda discovered aqua massages. mmmmm, better than sex. amazing.

Date:	2005-02-28 20:35
Subject:	bored
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	mad capsule markets

so i'm bored. i hate school. villa julie was just about the only place in the state that opened today. bullcrap i tell u. i had to go to work and do inventory. bryan helped me so it didnt take too long. thank u!! i came home and made my bro watch saw. he hated it. i love it. sooooo messed up. i really wanna watch the notebook but am too lazy to go rent it. i'm really hoping for a late opneing tomorro cause that means no skool at all. we'll see. snow is retarded. i have to go to oc this weekend for my bros soccer tournament. yay. i came back sun nite and then i'm on spring break so everybody hit me up for some plans.

( surveys i stole from stu )

Date:	2005-02-27 21:07
Subject:	same old bullcrap
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	dandy warhols

so i havent updated in forever and a day. ive been too busy to even have time to myself anymore. it's getting outta hand. anyway, there's not really anything new. still hanging out w/ chris and amanda all the time. there's always time for that. me and bryan hang out every wed and any other time we can. we've gotten really close. he is so amazing. i have so much fun with him and we get along so great. sigh.

so anyway, what have we all done.... ice skating, bull roast, going out to eat, dunkin donuts, hanging out, i dont even kno what we do half the time. i just know we always have fun.

i'm still trying to work things out with jim, but it's not really going well. we fight a lot. like yelling fight. i'm really trying and i guess i'll give it a little more time, but i just dont think we can work it out to where we'll both be happy. right now i cant make him happy so he reminds me all the time which in turn makes me unhappy. i have fun when i'm with him but i just dont kno.

work is trying to kill me. i now work 6 days a week and every time i turn around there is some new project for me to take over. it makes me want to puke in a bucket and stick my head in it (haha erik)

school sux big time. i'll be lucky to make it out of this semester with one passing grade. ick. my mom decided to remind me that i still have nothing planned for the rest of my life and that i am behind and blah blah. she's so bitter about the whole jim thing that i guess i'm just lucky she'll even speak to me.

i think that i might just be screwing my whole life up one stupid mistake at a time. hopefully i'm wrong.

i feel the same way. i love u <3

Date:	2005-02-06 21:31
Subject:	my whole world is falling apart...
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused
Music:	dope

so i havent updated in awhile. my schedule this semester sux and i never have anytime. im already failing like all my classes. me and amanda and  chris have still been managing to have fun tho. i am starting an internship on wed at my old chem teachers lab she works out. sounds complicated and scary but i think it will be a good experience. i'm dating jim again. my mom hates me for it, she's convinced im doing it just to hurt her. its not like that tho. its one of those things that i just need to do for myself so that i can have answers to the questions i've been carrying around for the past 3 years. it just happened at a bad time. but i have been having fun w/ him. i guess thats a good thing. i got my check engine light turned off and now its back on again. that means im stuck driving jim's custom built $70,000 race truck that is hot and i will break. great.

( survey i stole )

Bryan- I'm sorry, I really am. I was just so hurt b/c I care about u so much and u just stopped talking to me. I just tried to forget about it and move on so that it wouldnt hurt so much. I shoulda talked to u about how I felt instead of just trying to make it go away. Now i screwed everything up and I am really sorry about that. I really do care about u more than u will ever know. U will always be my # 1. <3

Date:	2005-01-25 20:51
Subject:	meh
Security:	Public
Mood:	cranky
Music:	hawthorne heights

i dont know about anything anymore, but i'm getting used to that. i'm just seeing what happens w/ stuff. i decided to cut out the parts of life that have been hurting me and just go w/ what feels good now, not what feels right. i obviously don't kno what right is anyway. but w/e.

my check engine light came on today and i was bitter!!

i hung out w/ jim. i worled so hard to cut him out of my life that i forgot how much i like having him in it.

some random guys took pics of us at denny's fri nite. i was pissed. but the hot guy in the flogging molly shirt totally checked me out. yay!!

i'm really dumb and gullible when it comes to guys </3

Date:	2005-01-19 15:15
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	disappointed

i am a stupid girl that sux at life in every possible way. the end

Date:	2005-01-18 22:35
Subject:	whatever
Security:	Public
Mood:	cynical
Music:	thursday

haha everything is crap. i don't know what is going on w/ anything anymore. chris and jay got back together. so jealous. i have to meet tongue. so scared. talked to jim. so weird. have to go w/ amanda to buy handcuffs. so sketch. rob and amanda r unengaged. so depressing. me amanda and chris have all completely fallen for guys that we have no chance in hell w/. isn't life great?

hung out last nite. watched napoleon dynamite. it was fun. if he was a real person i would jump his bones.  

( bunch of surveys i stole from karen.... gets a little repetitive but i was bored )

Date:	2005-01-16 19:37
Subject:	what the heck r u even talking about?
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	thursday

Everythings been pretty weird the past week. Went back to skool which pretty much sux. Me and amanda picked some crazy ass classes to take. we had to listen to gospel and oompa loompa music!!

I turned 20... kinda weird. i feel old or something. i got a lot of awesome presents.

Friday me and amanda tried to make her hair red w/ blonde streaks in neigh neigh's salon. it didnt work but we had fun doing it. we watched napolean dynamite and drank slurpees and ate flavor twists and had to ap in 711 and the bowling alley.

Saturday nite was the holiday party for work. it was pretty fun. me and chris tried to look hot. he looked good but i failed of course. we met up with everyone there. i bought drinks. kevin made out w/ my cheek or something. we left and took bryan to get his car. he followed us to my house. then we had to take chris's car home since he's the baby. then the 3 of us went back to my house and amanda came and we watched w/o a paddle. it was really funny. then i had to take chris home and i forgot to wear shoes. then i was on the phone until 4 am. it was a good nite. <33

Date:	2005-01-09 00:08
Subject:	last nite
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	hawthorne heights

so last nite was completely outta control. me chris and amanda decided to hick it up. i was wearin my redneck girl shirt and a cowboy hat, amanda was wearing save a horse ride a cowboy, and chris was wearing possum, the other white meat. we were sexy

we went to the mall and bought clothes. everyone was jealous of my hat. we saw beth and archibald and there was a big snubbing.

we went to 711 and acted drunk as usual. got banana slurpees. it was perfect.

we went to walmart and there was a big disaster. i left them in the parking lot but went back for them. we worked it out.

took chris home since he's the baby w/ the provisionals.

hauled the minivan up to aberdeen to get the infamous doug. HE WAS UBER HOT!!!

hauled all the way back down to go to the pool hall. shot pool for an hour. me and chris won 3/4 games. cause we're hot.

went to dunkin donuts and exchanged "stories." doug tried to eat a donut in the bathroom. saw fat ugly mans rear cleavage.

finally decided we should go home since it was 230

AMAZING NITE!!!

Date:	2005-01-05 02:10
Subject:	meh
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed
Music:	skakabobs biatch!!!

i guess this has been a really fucked up week.

monday was aight, me and my mom shopped and i bought cool stuff. then me and my bro watched movies cause he's sick. then me and amanda went to see spanglish. it was a surprisingly amazing movie. then i came home and was feeling down so i went to steve's and got drunk w/ the boys. i passed out there and then me and steve went to breakfast at dunkin donuts when i woke up the next morn. lol.

i went to work on tues. chris brought me presents. he got me a spongebob keychain w/ my name on it! a spongebob coffee mug!! spongebob toe socks!! and a pink elephant (thats an inside thing that no one would ever get but meant the world to me!) then when i came home me and tim watched napolean dynamite which was awesome. then i got depressed because as usual i suck at life. then greg was gonna come over but i was too depressed.

tomorrow me and my mom are having a shopping/panera day. i need it. then andy is taking me to poker w/ him so i can finally learn that game. i am so behind in life. lol. but that should be fun.

thursday i work and then chris is coming over so we can watch napolean dynamite/eat gouda cheese/do biology hw.

friday is arundel mills shopping day and book buying day. then it's the big meeting nite. me, amanda, new chris, his friend, old chris, and jay. it should be awesome!!

the rest of the week should be hot

</3

Date:	2005-01-02 23:45
Subject:	i think i i hate my life
Security:	Public
Mood:	depressed
Music:	roses are red

i bought eternal sunshine of the spotless mind. i love that movie. i watched love actually tonite. then after those 2 movies i realized how much i miss having somone to love me. i just miss being in a relationship. me & steve were talking and he said i give too much of myself. errr, it's like i give all of myself so i expect other people to do the same. then i get dissappointed when they don't. i guess i set myself up to get hurt. i try to get used to it but it still hurts everytime. he also said i fall too hard for people. not that it's a bad thing except that it has to be the right person for that to go well. of course i always think they are the right person and thats y i fall so hard. i dont kno. i just wish that for once i could fall for someone that would fall for me back. isnt there anyone out there who can fall for me?

a raccoon tried to kill me last nite.

amanda and chris came home today!! amanda was in oc and chris was in florida. i missed them so much!  

( random survey )

well i thought about the past year and i guess it had its ups and downs. i had a lot of good times w/ my friends and family. we went through a lot. i became a lot closer w/ some people, grew apart from others. there were all the guy problems, the pregnancy scares, the crying, the fights, the love, the bowling, the shows, the ghetto, the arrests, the drug dealing, the breakdowns. i think overall tho, everything made us stronger and brought us all closer together.

my new years resolutions~ to lose 25 lbs and to find a b/f

last nite was cool. as usual i had no one to kiss at midnite tho. i stayed home w/ my family and had every intention of going to bed early until everyone showed up at 1215. i love you guys tho, thanks for drinking sparkling cider w/ me since i had to work this morning. u r all my big brothers and im so glad i have u guys!!

( 2004 survey )

Date:	2004-12-29 23:06
Subject:	<33
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	number one fan

so christmas was awesome. good times w/ my amazing family and friends. i messed up one thing tho, i didnt go to my dad's grave w/ my mom. i felt really bad about it but i cant go w/ her. its hard enough to go myself but to see her breakdown is even worse. i want to go again but i can't do it alone. i need to find someone that i trust enough to take me there. its a hard thing to ask someone to do tho cause i completely fall apart there. i really do need to go tho. i feel like such a failure for not going more.




saw meet the fockers last nite w/ bryan, it was hilarious. <3

went to don pablos tonite w/ kristen and ate good food and told funny stories.

i hate oak crest. it makes me suicidal. maybe i just wont ever go there again. ha

** thanks for cheering me up tonite. ur so sweet <3333

Date:	2004-12-23 23:34
Subject:	xmas time!
Security:	Public
Mood:	happy
Music:	the used

so now that i'm through with my rant....

i've been working a lot lately. tues nite we all went out to damons instead of working and i got to see all my coworkers drunk. it was hilarious. then me & bryan watched elf. he's awesome

yesterday i had to work a double and i was sick as shit. of course i had a ton to do since i felt like crap. but bryan got me cough drops when he went on break & then i felt better. bryan= amazing!

today i had to work from 830 to 730 and make 10 giant strawberry shortcakes which took 5 hours. ugh. and of course i still had a ton of other work to do since i have officially taken over everyone else's jobs. then me and bryan went out to dinner. he got me flowers!!
bryan= <333

and i do feel the same way... spending time w/ u is my favorite thing in the world to do!! u r perfect!!!

Date:	2004-12-22 19:36
Subject:	we figured it out
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick
Music:	roses r red

well at work tonite me and mike ogle figured it out. we figured out y we always feel so alone. y we dont get along w/ anyone. we're so much older than people our age. we've been through so much shit already that it's like we're over the stuff that everyone else is into. we're ready for something more out of life. and it started to make sense. now i see y most of my friends are older than me. y i tend to date older guys. y i just cant be happy no matter what. no one understands me. i'm just not on the same level w/ anyone. i was watching everyone talk about getting drunk and going to the stupid holiday party and the whole time im just standing there thinking how stupid and immature. when really i should be joining in. me and chris decided that we are just gonna go and stay with sylvia, taraine, wayne, and sharon like we did last year. cause we fit in better w/ them. that was where we had fun last year. drinking our alcohol in the adult room instead of in the back parking lot. i mean how pathetic can people actually get? w/e. i'm just over all this shit. i'm ready to move on and find something meaningful out of life.

chris, moo, & steve~ i prob woulda killed myself by now if i didnt have u guys. u mean the the world to me <333

Date:	2004-12-18 19:27
Subject:	this is not me
Security:	Public
Mood:	crushed
Music:	days of the new

i don't even kno what i am doing anymore. i just keep getting myself into these situations that make me feel bad. bad about everything. i want to feel good about myself and my life. i want to feel something real. i want to be important to someone for the right reasons. i want someone i can care about and feel like they care about me back. i'm sick of all this meaningless bullshit. i'm ready for something more. everything i do means something to me, i just want it to mean something to other people. i guess im just not meant to be happy.

Chris u were great last nite~ u r my other half and i love u w/ all my heart!!

Rob: congratulations babe!! i always knew u 2 would end up together. she is the luckiest girl in the world to be marrying u. tell manda i want to be a bridesmaid!

Kevin: can we still get married on bumper cars wearing bathing suits and chef hats?

 "o my prince is out there, it's just a long walk from africa" ~ Oprah

i've waited so many years to live for something more than life

Date:	2004-12-17 12:54
Subject:	memories
Security:	Public
Mood:	excited
Music:	lfo lfo lfo

me and chris were thinking about all the amazing memories we have and we've only been friends for a year....

• ( memories!! )
  

tonite is chris's ballet... i am soooo excited. karen's goin w/ me which is awesome cause we never ever hang out. i'm gettin chris a big huge bunch of flowers to celebrate his dancin.

i gotta get some starbucks for this

i miss u <33

Date:	2004-12-15 23:20
Subject:	moo
Security:	Public
Mood:	relieved
Music:	black rebel motorcycle club

worked from 9-8 today. ew. i'm gettin damn good at hacky sack tho. lol.

Dan: can u keep maggie tonite... me and brandis need some "alone" time

Me: i can't keep her all nite... it's too much and i have to work tomorrow

Dan: but u love playin mommy

Me: not at 3 in the mornin!!

Bryan's super hot (even tho he shaved) <333

Date:	2004-12-14 23:57
Subject:	somethings gone & i don't kno how to get it back
Security:	Public
Mood:	ecstatic
Music:	hanson xmas cd (extreme hottness)

well surprisingly i had an ok day at work. i didn't get mad at anyone. i'm gettin way better at hacky sack. me and chris stuffed our faces w/ party leftovers..

came home and amanda and chris came over. we went to starbucks. the super hot guy was working. we all drooled profusely. of course we all looked like crap tho. amanda was sick. i was wearing scrub pants and a hoodie. chris was wearing my elephant scarf. lol. we r soooo hot!!

we drove around and made fun of other people's xmas lights. i accidentally drove on the wrong side of the road. we saw the maryland chainsaw massacre house. it was uber scary. then i went off roading by accident.

we sang xmas songs loudly and obnoxiously. but no grandma got runover by a reindeer for some reason. lol.

amazing

<3

so today was pretty awesome. i didn't wake up til like 1030. went shoppin for hours. spent 250 on presents. i was def outta control. i love buyin presents tho.

got really bored around 3... couldn't find anyone that could do anything or wanted to do anything so i stopped by dan's to see who was around. it was just him. he took me to silver spring for lunch. it was soooo good. then i had to finish shoppin so he joined me cause i was lonely.

came home and we ate dinner w/ my mom. then we rented elf, dodgeball, and starsky & hutch. we're wrapping presents and watching them. i'm on here takin a break cause i suk balls at wrapping presents.

it's been fun. i never spend much time w/ dan anymore. it feels good to be catching up. plus i got free good lunch!! mmmmm

<3